Wait a minute!
by Josatex
Summary: You've all read  or heard of, thought of, etc.  the ROTJ parody where Luke turns to the Dark side, right? Here's my counter-attack.
1. Chapter 1

**HOLD IT!**

Tameera lay sprawled on her bed, reading Star Wars fanfiction. (I'm sure many of you can concur with this). As she lazily scrawled through the Return of the Jedi parody, she vaguely wondered why no one was trying to turn Luke back to the Light side. And then, suddenly, she came to the end of the fanfiction. That was not a good thing, seeing as the story had more loose ends than her failed attempt at braiding during a Girl Guide camp. Also, there was no hope of another chapter. The story was, in the author's opinion, complete, though Tameera begged to differ. Was anyone going to turn him back? It was an older fic, and well-written, but there were millions of plot holes. As in, Swiss cheese.

Well, she decided, this was not good. Not good at all. She opened up a file on her laptop and typed in a long and complicated code no one shall ever know. Hmmm. How convenient for the Authoress. With the trademark Poof o' smoke, a large group of… people appeared. "Okay, what Fanfiction author wants us now?" The owner of the long-suffering voice stepped forward. It was Anakin Skywalker! Insert fan girl screech here! (yea-no.)

"I swear to whatever gods exist, if you start hugging me, I shall cut you in half." Tameera stopped screeching and noticed with mild interest that the-hero-with-no-fear was twitching uncontrollably.

"It's gotten that bad?"

"Y-yes. Everywhere around the world, young teenage girls are getting a huge freaking crush on me and dragging me into their perverted worlds to make me fall in love with them or a mary-sue. It's too much!" At this point, he huddled into a fetal position and rocked back and forth. In a rare moment of empathy, and I mean **rare, **Tameera decided to leave him be.

"So, roll call. Who else is here?" Yeah, she had no clue whom she had dragged out of their stories. But then, with Tameera, it kind of figures.

After a tedious session of getting everyone to tell her their names, she had a list. On that list were the names of Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker, Mara Jade, Luna Lovegood, Angela the Herbalist, Murtagh, Solembum, and Smaug, who isn't evil in this fic because I like him, he had way too anticlimactic a death, and dragons pwn everything.

"Well, we're missing that army of ninjas I ordered on ebay, but I think we'll be able to cope for the time being. In addition to that-… Oh, we're also missing The Authoress." Tameera actually looked worried. And, as some of them, Murtagh in particular, knew, when Tameera was worried they should all be worried. For themselves, that is.

Solembum stuck up his paw and asked the question most of them were thinking. "Um, who the heck is The Authoress? And why is her name capitalized like that?" Damn, he can read the story text.

At that moment the ever so elusive Authoress popped up behind Tameera. She was shorter and stouter than Tameera, with murky eyes and darker brown hair. In some ways she was almost identical. However, Tameera's hair and eyes were much lighter, and, while The Authoress was bored-seeming and calm, Tameera was twitchier than a windsock and had the distinct air of oddness about her.

"About time you showed up" Tameera grumbled irately. "I was afraid I'd have to rescue Luke without you."

"You know perfectly well you couldn't have physically done that."

At that time, Murty groaned loudly. "Now there are **two** of you? I'm doomed…."

"No, you're not. Actually, there is only one of us. That is me. Tameera is the physical manifestation of my insane, hyper, and crazy side. I'm just an average run-of-the-mill Canadian teenager who got bored and discovered fanfiction, whereas Tameera exists solely to cause as much chaos and discord as inhumanly possible," The Authoress explained serenely.

Everyone sane stared at her with their jaws dropping.

"Do you want me to dumb it down for you?"

They nodded.

"Okay, she's the crazy side of me"

Assorted noises of comprehension sounded throughout Tameera's lair.

"Now, here's the plan…"

**A/N: What do you think?**


	2. Chapter 2

**HOLD IT.**

Flashback:

"Here's the plan…"

End of Flashback.

"Wow, we sure have a dumb narrator," said Tameera, glancing at the flashback part.

"Shut up, I'll replace him with myself soon, don't worry," the Authoress said.

"But you can't spell worth crap!"

"I SAID, shut up!"

Ahsoka suddenly butted into their conversation. "Look, I'm not even going to pretend I know what you're talking about, but what were you saying about a plan?"

"Plan? Oh yes! I'm going to somehow or other zap all of you, myself excluded, into the star wars universe where you are going to turn the son of Anakin Skywalker back to the light side. If the need appears, I can send in help for you guys in the form of things dropping randomly out of the sky, like so:"

With that, a platypus fell out of the sky in a blast of blue light. Everyone stared for a moment before Mara stated what was on everyone's mind.

"What on Tatooine is that?"

Tameera replied. "That thing is proof that whatever god exists has a great sense of humor. The kiwi bird is also great proof of this"

What appeared to be a fruit with legs fell from the sky. "Tameera, stop that! You're messing up the time-space continuum!"

Angela stuck up a hand, which was covered in a mysterious green substance. No comment. "Yes, Angela?"

"So basically, **(I'm dumbing it down for the people reading this by the way)** you're going to set loose a bunch of extremely unstable characters, in most cases, in a world with lightsabers, the force, fanatical sith lords that bear a creepy resemblance to fanatical religious people in your world, and blue milk?"

The Authoress thought for a moment. "Yep"

Mara asked a couple very good questions. "What if we die? Do we stay dead? And what if we meet our counterparts, like a younger me, a Dark Anakin, another Ahsoka? What happens then?"

The Authoress thought for another moment. "Well, if you die I'll just bring you back to life. It shouldn't be too hard since you were never technically alive anyway. I don't like seeing my favourite characters disappear. Unfortunately, dying means you will sort of disappear from the story, ahem, I mean adventure for a period of time. Consider it a punishment for being stupid enough to get killed." She suddenly turned to glare at Murtagh, who was skulking in a corner. "And you! If you die on purpose, I will make you come back immediately, so no suicidal thoughts or intentions. That goes for all of you. And Tameera doesn't like suicide either, so watch it."

"What about the second question?"

"Hmm, it's a difficult one. Those of you who come from star wars, your best bets would be to wear disguises. Sunglasses and a mustache look cool, along with maybe a long trenchcoat. Those of you who don't come from there, like Angela, Murty, Solembum, Luna, and Smaug are okay. Well, maybe not Smaug, he's a bit too big…" Suddenly, Smaug the mighty dragon shrunk to the size of a bunny rabbit. This instituted lots of boring conversation dialogue, several dragon rants, bargaining and 2 pillow fights **(remember that this is in a bedroom, not some random field), **before Smaug was about the size of an average horse and fuming silently at the indignity of it all.

"There, now he'll fit on the ship"

"…What ship?"

"The one I'm going to ditch you guys in the middle of Tatooine with"

"What?"

"You'll all appear together randomly in the middle of Tatooine. I wanted it to be somewhere inconspicuous yet important"

"When are we going then?" asked Angela.

"Whenever I feel like it. And one more thing. Try not to be too random/magical/crazy, okay? No getting arrested," she was looking at Tameera pointedly as she said that. Tameera responded with a completely insincere innocent look.

The Authoress sighed. "And I won't be there physically with you. I'll provide back up. Even though I watch you guys constantly, Tameera is equipped, if she didn't eat it already, with a com link she can talk to me anytime with. This should be just a precaution, but I might doze off here and there…"

This left everyone looking distinctly uncomfortable.

**A/N: I promise to send them into the star wars universe next chapter, I promise! This chapter was mainly here just to clear up any questions anyone might have. Any other good questions can be submitted either through pming me or reviewing, though pming is probably the better choice.**


	3. Chapter 3

**HOLD IT.**

"But I probably won't take an unexpected nap, so stop worrying."

There were several audible sighs of relief throughout the room.

"Well, bye guys!"

"Wait, what?" They all said this in sync somehow. The Authoress was very glad for the hidden camera on top of her laptop. Canada's funniest home videos, here I come! The Authoress needs to stop talking in third person. Ditto for rambling. Anyways, everyone but Tameera suddenly and inexplicably went unconscious. Anakin Skywalker, great Jedi knight, sucked his thumb as Smaug started sleep talking. I won't even say what Solembum was doing, it was so awkward.

"Hmmm, knocking them out. Interesting method," Tameera observed with interest. "Not quite your style though. Why'd you do it?"

"I wanted to tell you the exact situation the galaxy far, far, away is in. If you actually remember this however, I will eat my socks. The ones with lady-bugs on them."

"Oh no! The chat speaking orange iguanas are playing basketball with mutilated tarantula sheep, aren't they! I knew I shouldn't have given them…." Tameera trailed off, looking at the Authoress awkwardly.

"Right. For the sake of my sanity, I'm going to choose to ignore that statement." Tameera relaxed. "Continuing that previous sentence, I'm going to be blunt."

"Oh no, you? Blunt? Perish the thought!"

"Shut UP! You can be sarcastic and annoying to whatever extent you wish later! In the meantime, close your under-brushed, smelly yellow teeth and be quiet!" Tameera shut it, but not after grumbling that she DID brush her teeth. She is also a compulsive liar, folks.

"This is taking way too long! It's already the third chapter and we aren't even at Tatooine! Listen, here's the low-down. Luke is evil, Palpatine is somehow still alive and in power, and Vader's his normal, sulky self."

"What about the rebellion?"

"Miraculously, most of them, Han, Leia, Chewie, those stupid robots that are the bane of my existence, Mon Motha, Ackbar **(IT'S A TRAP!)**, and the rest of the important characters are still well and kicking. They're currently hiding out on dagohba, and are keeping a low profile. After causing some organized chaos, my suggestion would be to seek them out. Now, finally, GET THE *censored* ON TATOOINE!" With that, Tameera and the other characters were poofed out of the room. Hopefully to Tatooine. With a ship. And supplies. Oh, they were so very screwed.

*Interval in which nothing really happens, other than a change in POV*

Anakin woke up with an aching headache, sand in his clothes, and a drawn-with-permanent-marker-mustache-he-was-completely-unaware-of on his face. CoughTameera'sfaultcough. Everyone else was in much the same state. Tameera was entertaining herself by helping them wake up. Or rather, her water balloons were waking them up, if you want to be politically correct. Which no one in this story does. Except for maybe the Authoress, who doesn't count because she's boring and normal. Well, if you consider a 13-year old reading Shakespeare normal.

"C'mon, let's go to the ship! This is taking so much longer than it should!"

After an awfully boring amount of pointless, not-contributing-to-the-plot-in-any-way-whatsoever dialogue, Tameera, with the help of Luna, managed to herd everyone in front of the large freighter ship. For some unknown reason, it was a particularly odd shade of indigo.

"Attennn-SHUN! Stand up straight, you lily-livered landlubbers!" Tameera had produced a pirate costume from somewhere, complete with a hook which she was now shaking menacingly at her 'crew'. She looked (and sounded. She had a pirate accent) like a cross between Jack Sparrow and Captain Hook. Not abnormal for her by any standards. The non-inheritance character's eyes' grew larger. Well, except for Luna, who had become Tameera's first mate and was, for your interest, looking completely normal in a set of wizard robes. She lacked the menacing air required to a first mate however, and was currently wondering if there were any Crumple-horned Snorkacks on Tatooine.

"A'right crew, we be about to board my ship, '_The Dancing Sloth', _which is the finest ship ever to sail the empty, vast reaches of space. I know absolutely nothing about it, other than the name, which I made up on the spot. So all aboard!"

Somewhere along the gangplank Tameera lost the pirate apparel. I know not why, or how, and I honestly don't want to know. You probably shouldn't ask either.

The interior of the ship was strangely average looking. There were no Tiki-torches, or plastic flamingos, or broken VCR players anywhere. There was a room for each character, each suited to his or her needs.

Ahsoka was inspecting her room when she heard maniacal laughter emanating from the kitchen/supply area, in addition to a tremor in the force. Readying herself for the worst, she raced along the corridor to the source, along with Anakin, Mara, and Obi-wan. Luna, Angela, Murty, Smaug, and Solembum, having heard the cackling, were headed in the same direction.

They congregated outside the door to it, which had insanity leaking through it. Figuratively, not literally, just for all you cute little grammar Nazis out there. Because several of them were ever so slightly not entirely stable, they decided that the only logical course of action was to, quite simply, blow up the door. Ahsoka managed to pry a panel off the wall and use all the funny little knobs and wires to make a quite ingenious bomb. While all this was occurring, the laughter continued. Increasingly louder by the minute.

Finally, after Ahsoka was forced by the others to quote potter puppet pals, **("I found the source of the mysterious ticking noise! It's a pipe bomb!")**,The door went, to put it simply, kablooy. What they found behind it made all of them stop in their tracks and stare in pure horror.

**A/N: Meh, please review and all that stereotypical junk.**


	4. Chapter 4

**HOLD IT.**

**A/N: I am very, very sorry if Tameera seems sue-ish, it's not on purpose, I swear. I'll try to my best to make her non-mary-sue-ish.**

Tameera had found Dr. Pepper. This was very, very bad in itself, but it just so happened she had found a large amount of Dr. Pepper, in addition to a cheesecake, several bags of pull 'n peel liquorice, some smarties, and a pack of peanut brittle. She was just beginning on the gummy bears **(cue gummy bear song!)**, when the rest of the group charged in, weapons drawn and ready for the worst. They were speechless for a moment until…

"What... the…. ***censored***?" It was Anakin who said it, by the way. Brave soul.

"Higuys, Ifoundcandy,doyoulikecandy,Ilovecandy,,,,ohno,Ilied,badbadbadbadtameera,,oops,Iguess-"

But what Tameera guessed would have to wait, as she was promptly unconscious due to a blow to her head with a frying pan which was, according to everyone present, a complete and coincidental accident which none of them had had any part in whatsoever.

Anyways, after storing everything with any sugar content in a hidden closet, they held a meeting for what to do next.

"I think we should go to Mos Eisley. We could get information and learn the status of the rebellion" That was the opinion of Solembum and Angela.

Luna was wondering if the crumple-horned Snorkack could live in a desert terrain, Smaug wanted to kill and eat something, Ahsoka wanted to blow something up **(I think she may have pyro tendencies…)**, Murty was worrying about what would happen when Tameera woke up, and Anakin was being paranoid about fan girls.

Mara, however, wanted to go off to Coruscont and assassinate the emperor. Hmm, rather blunt. Her reasoning was: "It would be the simplest thing to do. I know all the secret passages and hidden places, we can shield ourselves, several of us keep Vader, evil Luke, and my other self busy while the rest go and kill Palpatine. After that we just have to turn back Luke and Vader. Easy as pie."

Tameera twitched unconsciously at the mention of pie.

"No, it's not!" Ahsoka exclaimed furiously. "You make turning them back sound so very easy. It. Is. Never. Easy. And what about the Emperor! Unfortunate as it is, he is actually quite intelligent! Mara, that _thing_ took down an order that stood for thousands of years! He can't be as stupid as we wish. He has several Hands, such as you, Vader, Luke by now, and millions of clone troopers! He's the most important man in the galaxy, he's bound to have some safeguards against hair-brained plans like this!"

"The fact that he's even making precautions says he's worried about 'hair-brained plans like this', which makes it a genuine threat to him. Thus, we have a chance."

"Llamas are eating the custard again, Brittany!" Tameera was awake, but no one really noticed. They were too busy watching the somewhat interesting argument in front of them.

"Yes, we have a chance, but it's not a large one! We could die as soon as he detects our force-signatures!"

"Ahsoka's right. I can't help you do that. I would rather annoy him then kill him anyways." Tameera sounded bored with the whole topic.

Everyone stared at her in shock.

"You… didn't say anything sarcastic, cruel or random…."

"What, really! Jeez, no wonder you guys are looking at me even funnier than you normally- THE BRITISH ARE COMING, THE BRITISH ARE COMING!"

After staring at Tameera a bit more, Mara and Ahsoka resumed the argument. "See, he could still find you! And do _you_ feel confident in facing the dark lord of the Sith?"

"Not on my own, no. But together, we could do it!"

Solembum spoke up for the first time in a long while. "That sounded like something off Bob the builder."

"Shut up"

"Do you watch Bob the Builder?"

"I _said_, SHUT UP."

"…" was pretty much everything everyone had to say about that.

Luna butted in on the silence. "How about a compromise? In a little while, we all go and find out what has happened to the rebellion and see if they can assist us in any way. If they can't, or if we absolutely cannot find them, we go about Mara's plan. First of all though, I say we wreak havoc on the universe at large like The Authoress said we could. Who's with me?"

A general chorus of agreement sounded throughout the supply room.

"But first, Anakin, Mara, and Ahsoka need to get disguises. Any questions?" Luna should have known better than to ask that.

Ahsoka's hand went into the air. "Can we blow things up while wreaking havoc?"

Tameera answered. "Well of course! Havoc just isn't the same without several explosions and mushroom clouds! In fact, I have some lovely explosives in this backpack that came out of nowhere!"

Everyone made the o.0 face.

"What? It's also stocked with diet Dr. Pepper, which isn't as good as the normal stuff, several packs of matches, a blue lightsaber that belongs to me, a dead kitten, haha, just kidding, the look on your face, Murty…ahem, a flashlight, several books, a laptop with tabs open to YouTube and fanfiction dot net, and some other odds and ends used for havoc-creating such as confetti, cream pies, fake blood, hair dye, paint, lipstick, a clown wig, and a whole lot of other stuff."

"That's Sue-ish, Tameera."

"Well it _does _have some limitations. It can't carry anything alive, or really, really big."

"How do you fit all that in there?" asked a puzzled Mara.

"It's trans-dimensional"

Various noises of comprehension sounded again.

"You know what we need guys? We need a name," said Angela.

"Like what?"

"Something awesomical, like "team jelly bean"!"

"No."

"But-"

"**NO!** We must have a name that strikes fear into our enemies, not make them feel a bit hungry!"

"But.."

"NO, not right now! We need to get moving, pronto. We can figure out a name later."

"Okay…"

"Now, who wants to fly the _Dancing Sloth_?"

Anakin volunteered immediately, fearing what might happen if Tameera got in the cockpit. He was right to be worried too. Tameera had once single-handedly caused Alagaesia to go off the deep end. But that's another story. Good lord, that sounded so cliché. If I make one more really bad cliché, would someone please injure me?


	5. Chapter 5

**HOLD IT.**

"It's that way! No, not there!"

"God, stop criticizing me."

"It isn't God who's doing the criticizing, it's me."

"Well why don't you fly this thing, since you're the expert here?"

"Dude, I'm a freaking cat. I do not have opposable thumbs."

"Then will you be quiet? I'm doing my best."

"Well, your best is incredibly pathetic."

"All right, that's it. Ahsoka, you take the pilot seat and try not to get us any more lost than we already are."

As Anakin and Solembum started beating each other up, Ahsoka peered out the ship at the surrounding desert glumly. The entire surface of Tatooine looked the exact same. There was next to no chance of finding Mos Eisley and getting information. They were completely lost.

"Hey guys what's u- ANAKIN, STOP HURTING SOLEMBUM! THE GUINEA PIGS HAVE HIS MIND," Tameera yelled.

"He's being annoying!"

"He's being stupid!"

"See? He's lowering my self-esteem!"

Tameera facepalmed and whacked them both over the head.

"Ahsoka, give me that pilot seat. I'll drive."

"WHAT?"

"Well, we'll get nowhere fast with these two. Now hand it over before I eat you," Ahsoka slid out of the seat, sulking.

-5 minutes later-

"Hey look, we're here!"

"What… the… hell…" Anakin looked like he was about to faint. "How did you…"

"I have a compass. I was in Girl Guides for 8 years. Put 56 and 1003 together."

Murtagh groaned and started ramming his head repeatedly into a wall.

"Anyways, we'd better get started with the torturing and mayhem, **I MEAN QUESTIONING.**"

With that, the group exited the ship.

-Scene transition to the Mos Eisley Cantina-

Angela, Solembum, Luna, and Smaug looked around interestedly at their surroundings. Murtagh was cringing quite a bit for several entirely irrelevant reasons. Tameera looked eagerly for good reasons to cause mayhem. Ahsoka, Anakin, and Mara were wearing long, dark, suspicious-looking trench coats along with sunglasses and fake mustaches. Yes, Ahsoka and Mara were also wearing mustaches. No comment.

"Wow, this is cooler than Alagaesia," said Solembum. "Can I have something to drink?"

"Dude, you're a cat," Anakin rolled his eyes.

"Prejudiced much?"

"Whatever, go get drunk. I'd love to see what happens."

"WOOHOOO!"

"So," Mara was talking to what appeared to be a plant with limbs. "How's life in the galaxy nowadays? My friends and I have been… away, for a few months. Any news?"

Another alien who looked like a cow watched her, giggling silently. 5 minutes of Mara trying to get the plant-alien to respond later, she finally noticed the cow-alien laughing like a demented mime.

"What's so funny?"

"Um, miss… that's a decorative tree. It… is an inanimate object."

"Oh. Darnit."

Meanwhile, at the bar, Solembum the werecat was drinking himself into a stupor.

"Beartamer, dur, I mean, bartender… gimme another blue milk." He promptly fell off his stool and stayed there, giggling weakly.

Sitting on a stool next to him, Anakin rolled his eyes. "I am not picking him up." Murtagh also started to drink his wits away.

Anakin glared at him. "And when you pass out, I'm not carrying you."

After some grumbling, Murtagh put down the drink.

"Spoilsport."

In a secluded booth, Tameera was discussing something in earnest with Ahsoka, who was nodding slowly. Hmmm, I'm sure ignoring them for the time being will have no negative repercussions whatsoever, right? Right?

Luna, Smaug, and Angela sat near them. Not too near though. Angela appeared to be dissecting her drink while Luna and Smaug had a hard-to-follow discussion about cows.

Suddenly Tameera and Ahsoka stood up, Tameera fishing something out of her large backpack.

"Hey guys," she said, looking excited. "You might want to vacate the premises of this establishment. Like, now"

Mara blinked. "What did she say?"

"She said 'get the hell out of here as fast as you can, cuz this place is gonna blow'," Ahsoka explained.

They all stood up and ran, Luna grabbing Solembum from the questionably clean floor of the cantina. The other patrons of the cantina had been listening in and all of them, even the bartender, ran as well. When they were about 50 meters away when the entire cantina blew up, (KABOOMITY!) sending sand flying.

Angela raised an eyebrow. "You're not very good at subtlety, are you Tameera?"

She looked innocently back at her. "Subtlety is way overrated. And explosions are funner."


	6. Chapter 6

**HOLD IT.**

"Well, now what do we do? The bartender's coming over here, and he does _not _look happy." Mara was looking extremely pissed, though not quite as pissed as Wuher the bartender.

"Oh, that's an easy question. We run away. Fast," Tameera said as she began the aforementioned plan.

"_That's _your genius plan? I though you were supposed to be the almighty-authoress-self-insert-that-could-do-absolutely-anything!"

"That sort of thing is way too overused, so the authoress decided to take away the majority of my 'powers' and simply make me boring." Tameera pouted a bit. "Not that I really mind. Those clouds of smoke most authoresses appear in, they're actually very bad for your health. You know, lung cancer and all that."

"Uh hello?" Ahsoka said irately. "Angry mob chasing us, now might be a good time to shut up and run."

"You may be right."

"Tameera! We're supposed to be running!" By now the mob was maybe ten meters away.

"Oops. Coming guys!" The girl started jogging after her… wait, what exactly do I call them? Minions? Partners in crime? Ah well, it isn't vital. Right now.

"Hurry up!" The others had reached the ship where it was parked at the edge of the spaceport.

"What does it look like I'm doing? Having a roast turkey?" Tameera panted as she reached the ship. "C'mon, close the door. Let's get out of here."

"But we haven't done anything but blown up a bar!" Mara protested. "What was the point of coming here in the first place?"

"Oh, right. Anakin! Don't leave yet!" With that, Tameera grabbed a pencil and piece of paper from her bag and scribbled something in earnest with them. She then crumpled it into a ball and threw it out the porthole, right into the bartender's face.

"Alright, you can lift off now," she said. A stream of muttered profanity and complaints leaked from the cockpit about being the pilot.

So," Angela sat down on a conveniently placed couch. "What exactly did you have to write out so desperately?"

"I told them who had destroyed their bar."

"What? Are you insane!"

"I'm unauthorized to respond to that inquiry at this time. And I told them so they'd know who to look for. We should have a bit of a reputation, shouldn't we? It'll help the rebellion a bit too."

"How exactly does blowing up a bar help the rebellion?"

"…Touché, Angela. Touché."

Ahsoka grinned. "Well it was fun to do, you have to admit it."

"Well, yes, but we could have blown up an imperial building instead!"

"Good point. Why don't we go do that right now?"

"What?"

"All right, hands up. Who wants to go irk the imperials?" Every hand, claw, and paw went up on the ship. "Well, that's settled. Tameera, do you have anything good for this?"

With a purely evil grin, Tameera started pulling things out of her bag. "Oh, this is going to be good. We'd better wait till nighttime though, so they can't see us as well."

"Agreed," Angela said, looking just a bit disappointed.

**A/N: I know it's short. Deal with it.**


	7. Chapter 7

**HOLD IT.**

A group of people walked cautiously towards the Imperial base on Tatooine, not looking any passerby in the face. All of them, even the odder-shaped ones, were garbed in black ninja-esque clothing. Yes. Even the cat and the dragon. It was dark out and, conveniently enough, there were very few people on the streets. Those that did see the group took no notice or studiously ignored them.

Approaching the base, Tameera dodged into an alley, beckoning to her squad. Naturally, none of them noticed and started past her obliviously. Anakin and Mara, at the front of the team, suffered some completely unrelated face injuries that night.

Once she had everyone's attention, Tameera outlined the plan.

"So, Ahsoka and Luna place the explosions as a decoy, destroying the main doors. Once that's taken care of, the rest of us storm the base and stun all the stormtroopers, officers, etc. We then, after knocking out their communications, cause mayhem in the form of extreme vandalism, makeovers, and silly string. Any questions?"

Anakin stuck his hand in the air. "Yes, I have one. Are you nuts? We have no weapons! I thought we were going to sneak in, not blow up the doors! Also, do you have a tissue? My nose is bleeding."

Angela passed him a tissue.

"I made an executive decision."

"What?"

"Here're your weapons, I forgot to distribute them earlier." She passed out several blasters, all of them set to stun.

"Okay, who says we knock Tameera out and continue with the original plan?"

Murtagh cringed visibly. "Don't do it, she'll get back at us, somehow, someway, sometime. We'll have to go with the bat-fuck insane plan."

"Why thank you, Murty. I had no idea you cared about me in that way."

"Leave me alone." The rest of the crowd sighed in resignation.

"Now, can we get on with this? There's a new story update I need to check out. Any more dumb questions?"

Solembum had one. "Do we get to kill anybody?"

"Preferably not. Loss of life isn't a pleasant thing, and if we **are **going to kill anyone, it should be stupid people."

"But aren't stormtroopers, by all accounts, stupid?"

"Next question, please!"

Ahsoka set the explosions (with a bit too much enthusiasm, in Mara's opinion) and dodged shrapnel as they went off.

"FOR NARNIA! AND FOR ASLAN!"

"Wrong fandom, Tameera."

"Oops. Whatever. ATTACK! Or something…"

Officers oozed out of the building, yelling about that darned rebel scum in panic. Predictably, the majority of them were freaking out at the prospect off an attack. There was, after all, a reason they had been placed on the dead-end of the galaxy. Within the first 5 minutes of the explosion, there were only confused, half-dressed Stormtroopers blundering around the Imperial base. After a long and suitably epic mêlée, the floors of the center were covered in stunned (or dead…?) stormtroopers. Preferably stunned. Preferably.

"Wow, that was a long and suitably epic melee, eh?" Tameera grumbled something obscene at Mara from the metal floor where she was digging once more in the ever-present bag. She eventually came up with several neon-coloured cans of spray paint, makeup, and paint.

"Do I really need to explain? Go crazy, guys."

Half an hour and several vibrantly-coloured makeovers later, the group surveyed their work in satisfaction.

"Yep, a pretty good job, everybody. I must say, I _am _impressed." The entire building and surrounding area looked like one of those typical parties, you know, where the teenager invites over a huge group of friends without the parent's permission, had happened. Not a hint of grey wall could be seen, and all the Stormtroopers were pretty-fied. (Ugh)

"So, what now?" Angela still looked a bit miffed that Tameera hadn't let her poison the food supply.

"We go onto the next planet, of course!"

Varying degrees of enthusiasm were heard.

**A/N: I'm totally making this up as I go. Is it too noticable? Also, I'm thinking of permanently killing Smaug. If you have any objection to that, tell me in a review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**(Because I haven't added this before and some of the content in this chapter is going to require it) :'All opinions expressed in this chapter are solely those of the author, who personally doesn't give a damn about your opinions, but will get a lot of flames if she doesn't put this. It's not like anyone reviews this poor, aimless story anyway though, so she's really just putting this down to increase the overall word count of the story. Thank you, have a nice day, go die in a hole filled with enraged beavers and banana pudding.'**

[Scene transition to the _Dancing Sloth_]

"So, where to next?" Mara looked around. "Well? Opinions, ideas, comments?"

"… How about Florida?"

"Shut up Solembum."

"Nobody loves me…"

Then, without any warning whatsoever, Smaug died. Yes, just like that. And just to get a crapload of angry reviews, no, I will not tell you why.

"…Well, that was normal," said Angela.

"Tragic," mumbled Anakin.

"Too bad. I kind of liked him," Tameera said nonchalantly.

Murtagh scratched his head. "I don't think he even said anything though…"

"Well we can't just have a dead dragon cluttering up the ship. What do you reckon we do with him?"

"Shove him out the airlock?"

"Why not?"

(15 minutes and a lot of mildly awkward maneuvering later)

"I think all the Hobbit fans hate me now," said Tameera, eating some pie. It was a blackberry pie, for your probably non-existant interest.

"Well for gods' sake, try not to alienate any other fangroups." Ahsoka looked hungrily at the pie.

"Twilight is gay. Harry Potter has a funny name. Inkheart is stupid. Practically everything modern with vampires in it sucks more than I can say. Lord of the Rings is too long. Percy Jackson fails mythology forever. Peeta from the Hunger Games is the biggest Gary-stu in existance. Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants is shallow. Anne of Green Gables is boring. Eragon is full of Mary-and-Gary-Stus. Star Trek is pretty ****ed up. The latest Maximum Ride books all fail epically. Pretty Little Liars is the most pathetic thing in the Multiverse. City of Bones is weird as hell. Buffy has a silly name, too. There, I think I've managed to mortally insult just about every major fan-following out there. Did I leave anyone out, Snips?"

"What about Star Wars?"

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with Star Wars!"

Mara cleared her throat loudly. "Um, hello? Resistance plans, anyone?"

"Sorry."

"Really?"

"Haha, no."

"Yeah, I figured as much."

"So what _is _our plan?" asked Solembum irately.

"Um… kill Palpatine?"

"Save my son?"

"Blow things up?"

"Poison important people?"

"Learn how to play the recorder?" Murtagh got some strange looks. "Forget I said anything…"

After some more strange looks and a slightly awkward silence, they continued their 'discussion'.

"All right, voting time!" Tameera said brightly. "Democracy solves all our problems!"

"Other than war, hatred, corruption, anger, treachery, pain-" muttered Solembum.

"Shut up Solembum, no one loves you."

"I hate my life."

Tameera ignored him. The voting choices were poisoning, getting their asses in gear and actually saving Luke from himself, explosions, humiliation, and learning how to play musical instruments. Everyone was allowed to vote twice ("Once for each arm!"  
"I technically have four arms."  
"You'll also never have a girlfriend."  
"I'm so depressed.")

The results were…

Explosions: Ahsoka, Murtagh, Luna, Mara, Ahsoka, Solembum, Tameera.

Humiliation: Tameera, Anakin, Solembum, Luna.

Getting their asses in gear and actually saving Luke: Anakin

Poisoning: Angela, Angela, Mara.

Apparently, nobody likes music.

"So, explosions it is. With possibly a dash of humiliation and poison. Sounds good to me," said Tameera.

"Why is no one concentrating on saving Luke?" whined Anakin.

"Because explosions are funner."

"So, location?" Mara's patience was rapidly thinning.

"For what?"

"For your wretched mayhem!"

"Uh… Coruscant?"

"No, let's save the best for last."

"Alderaan?"

"It blew up, remember?"

"Oh, right. Awkward. Um, Naboo?"

"Too pretty, and not important."

"Hapes?"

"Shh. We don't mention it in the movies, so it's not important."

"Corellia?"

"For goodness' sakes, they're _Corellian._"

"Nar Shadaa?"

"…No good retort, so all right!"

**A/N: I am the worst updater ever. I haven't updated for 7 months. Omg. Other than the stuff about Twilight, modern vampire romance novels, Anne of green Gables, Pretty Little Liars, Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants, Star Trek (STAR WARS FTW!) and the latest Maximum Ride books, I was lying through my teeth for that paragraph. I swear to whatever god there may or may not be, if I get ANY reviews on that section, or even related vaguely to that section, I will make a voodoo doll of the reviewer and feed it to a newt with large teeth. No, you cannot comment on how much you think LOTR sucked (btw, it didn't. Lord of the Rings is a marvel of modern literature, and I love it with all my heart. Same goes for The Hobbit) So bugger off.  
****Also, I apologize for the many times in this story I've blatantly bent, shattered, poked, murdered, maimed, laughed at, stretched and/or touched the fourth wall. Feel free to assemble a torch-and-pitchfork mob. You absolutely **_**must**_** send me a picture. **


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